I should be really working and making my home based business thrive. I should be bringing in more money. I should be going back to school to finish my college degree. I should be writing a cookbook. I should be personal training again and coaching people on nutrition. I should be blogging often. I should be working out regularly. I should be going after my dreams.
Enough is enough. The more I think about all these things ‘I should be doing’, the more stressed out I get. The more frustrated I get. The more depressed I get. All those ‘To Do’ lists scream failure because I’m not doing them.
Want to know the worse part about all this? I blame my husband and my three small kids for not being able to go after my dreams. All this disappointment gets bottled up and put aside while I’m raising my boys and being a wife to my husband. I have realized how toxic it is to bottle up your disappointment. Resentment builds up. Bitterness creeps in. Everyday will feel like you’re not doing enough. You’ll feel like a slave. You won’t treat your husband like a loving husband should be treated. He gets the brunt of your anger. You’ll get short with your kids and wish for bedtime to come sooner. Soon enough, you just get lost in the world of incompleteness. And now, you wonder, ‘Why am I feeling so incomplete? I’ve got a wonderful husband and three beautiful boys.” Then.. you realize, the enemy has been playing you all along. You realize he has a goal for you and that is to destroy you. I should’ve known better, right? He speaks to your mind in first person. “I am a failure,” he says, making you think you had that thought. It all makes sense now, doesn’t it? That’s how he successfully makes you mentally crazy and feeling worthless. Never again.
Jesus. That name gets me every time. He saves me every time. He fills me up with love every time. He gives me peace. He makes my soul so still and quiet. He gives me wisdom. He is what I want to be like. Calm, cool, moving and working with ease, patient, loving, kind, wonderful, merciful, and graceful.
So, I’m done. I’m going to focus on my husband and our marriage. I’m going to focus on our kids. Raise them with no regrets and disappointments. Recreate my dreams into new ones that involve my husband and kids. My mama says my dreams are in God’s heart, the safest place and protector of dreams. How perfect. Right now, I’m in a season of life. Seasons change. How true. Parts of your dreams become a reality while He shapes your life season by season. A good reason to follow Jesus and His peace.
Right now, I choose to live in the now. Love them. Cuddle with them (well, if they’ll let me). Teach them. Play with them. Make memories. Cherish precious moments. Take pictures. Do things that make them happy. Show them Jesus. Learn about Him. Pray together. Make jokes. Laugh with them. Be happy. Dream together. Use our imagination together. Unplug from social media more. All that and homeschool, cook, clean, laundry, grocery shop, and other motherhood and wifehood responsibilities. These heavy responsibilities are only for a season, and my kids won’t be little forever. All the more reason to cherish each and every day with them.
I am unbelievably blessed. All that God has blessed me with seems unreal at times. A husband who always keep my vase full with flowers. Always loving me at my worse moments and laughing with me at my best. Three healthy little rascals with the biggest blue eyes and long eyelashes. They are mine. Roof over our heads. Healthy, good quality foods on our table. Clothes for our bodies (well, at least when we’re out in public, the boys will have their clothes on). Vehicles to get us around. A beautiful world to explore. And Jesus who gave me all these blessings I didn’t deserve. He loves me so.